it don't make much sense

Funny how I can get an A for an essay dealing with romance and be absolutely clueless about it. True, well, that essay was really more about how modern society mediates romance with technology, but it's still fundamentally about people who less than three.

Either I have a deep-seated internal knowledge about this, or I'm just really good at crapping about this. Betting on the latter.

I know part of the problem lies in my pathological shyness. Koothrappali from the Big Bang Theory comes to mind.

Basically me, except alcohol just makes me sleepy.

I completely clam up when there's an attractive woman within a five-feet radius. It's really subtle, but I can pretty much feel my neural cognitive functions shut down. I subconsciously make less eye-contact, talk less, and stammer/stutter more.

Did I ever recount that anecdote where I messed up totally (read: very badly) with one of my eyecandies? I mean, I know I have talked about it before, but never really recorded it for posterity on blogger.

Ah well, that's another story for another day.

Why am I bringing this up again? Because, well, it's my last semester in university, and I have a creeping feeling that I'm going to die alone, childless and friendless*.

*Disclaimer: Dear friends, this is just a figure of speech, I am not discounting your friendships. You know what I mean.

I could get a kitten, but that's just avoiding the issue.

Somehow though, I have a feeling that it's really more of the way that I've been approaching human relationships in general. I think I don't make friends easily, which is totally a problem for someone who completely -needs- people to be around him in general.

You kinda get used to being alone when you spend that much time on your own. You get tired of trying. It becomes routine. Go for class, get food, be on your own. Pretend it's okay to always be by yourself. Pretend you don't need anyone and that you're completely independent.

That's basically how it is, it becomes second-nature to pretend to be something you're not.

Convince yourself that this is how you deal with it. Mindf*ck yourself.

But somehow along the way, you always doubt. That's where I am now. Doubting. But I think it's a good thing to reconsider my life now.

I'm doubting myself again, whether this is really how I want to live my life for the next twenty or so years before I get run over by a car. Or something. Depressingly alone, addicted to routine, completely and thoroughly bored with life.

They always say, people try to fill that void in their lives with something. Work. Family. Religion. Soap Operas.

What's missing from my life?

Whatever it is, I'm getting tired of waiting around for it to appear.

WHERE ARE YOU, MY DESTINY?

(Translation: I am tired of being single.)

Coming up after the break, I will be consigned to Jurong Camp for the next 2 weeks. No updates till I get back. Bye bye world.