oh hi, nice of you to stop by

It's 2am, I'm up writing an essay for my personality module, and for some reason, I feel incomplete.

I'm going to be a year 3 next year. Going to graduate (hopefully) in another year after that. Going to start work (hopefully) in another year after that. I feel like nothing much has changed. Nothing earth-shaking has happened.

Uni life feels like a blur. I was just there a moment in time ago. But just a few moments later, over here everything feels like they're slipping away.

Well, I know I have a few constants in my life. That I'm thankful for. These are the people who I know I'll still be able to stay with after I graduate, leave uni, leave hall.

A few days ago during Seniors Farewell I was just thinking to myself "Holy shit, alot of people are leaving next year." Hall isn't ever going to be the same again. It's alot of people I've taken for granted, that I know it's probably at least 50% my fault that I haven't really been able to hang out with them as much, or even on a regular basis. And now it's just like last year again, when my seniors left, gaps in my everyday life that become painfully obvious when you realise that during hall events, you're quiet because you don't have anyone to talk to, awkward because you just don't "click" with people you're not that familiar with. That you pretty much have to find people all over again to eat lunch with, or go for class with, or somewhat. That you're slowly going to fade away into oblivion, becoming part of the ignored-less-happening-seniors.

I can't talk to anyone, you know. I was never a charisma-type.


Darn it, I think I rolled badly during character creation.

And here I am, I'm looking at the juniors and I'm thinking I probably won't ever be able to fit in 100% with them. There's something different, I guess.

You don't miss your water till the well runs dry.

But it's always like that isn't it? That's the beautiful nature of regret. It's one of the few things in the world that can change a person. But then, why do I feel unchanged, unfulfilled, unfinished? Empty.

I think I'm still stuck way back in time, never having grown emotionally since then.
I'm still a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to forgive him.
I'm still a boy, standing in front of a father, asking him to praise him.
I'm still a boy, standing in front of a mother, asking her to hug him.
Since then.

I think Gaiman said it best:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

But I don't hate love. I think I've just never been able to embrace that concept. I can't explain why I'm so afraid - is this even the word I'm looking for - of rejection? I've never been rejected - but I've never given myself that chance to be. I've built up the wall around me so strongly that sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be able to open myself up again. A flawed armor, protecting me from everything and anything that I've feared.



I am God's unfinished creation.

I am Jaden's malajusted mind.

I am also tired of my essay. Fuck.


I need a cup of D'aww.